full blown

stochasticity

i’ve spent the better part of the last two years going to the university of california, los angeles
and i’ll be honest, it has been fantastic
but as i sit criss cross apple sauce
on the side of a fountain underneath the radiant sun
i question why i am about to complain to you
i question why i am about to publicly mope
about the trials and tribulations of the life of a winner
of someone whose worst case scenario is a free room in newark, california, with his wonderful parents and a beautiful network of trails to run on
of an individual with the luxury to complain about ending it all with a computer science and engineering degree and a body that works

you’re confused too, huh?

somehow alongside everything i’ve been given
i yearn to find fault in the flow of life
needing it to be filled with bumpalacious bumps and predictable potholes

life can’t be good unless there’s a problem to solve
but there are no problems
lest i make some up out of thin air

i spent the first year of my undergraduate career
running, and running, and running
pushing myself to a level to which, upon completing my morning routine
eternal sunshine became a well deserved indulgence

now after two quarters of less than double digit miles
i feel undeserving of such pleasantries
of a bask in the sun
of an extended stay lunch
of a good group of homes
willing to house me at my beck and call

i’ve become a full blown balloon
satiated on the outside
unsure on the inside

as a result of sunny southern california
i’ve become used to living purely
without wants and needs
without desires and necessities

even smokey the bear takes naps here

so it’s hard when i drum up
conversations about the great beyond
and though the event horizon is closer than death
it often feels equal to it

the journey through adulthood
through the next many years of trials and tribulations
of unasked for struggle and unwanted pain
isn’t one i’m able to plan

and upon recognizing this
i often pounce, searching for a map of the rainbow within
and though i find a guide, it isn’t transposable externally
it beckons me to wonder
what do i need beyond what i already have?
and the maintenance of this daily dream
is all my strength should edge towards

outside of this and i, what and who else matters?
my body works, my legs (now) properly function
i am spirited, i am sound

in these last few years it’s gotten more and more difficult
to punctuate open questions such as these
so again i’ll end with a curious glance
a decision to chart my journey using the internal wayfinder
who calls itself the observer
the perceiver of everything and the receiver of all

we are all little children looking for proud parents
eventually we should hope to merge the two into one
to discard label and baggage and impression
to be born anew
to return to the dirt from which we came
the end is terrifying

the end.