I’ve spent the better portion of this week in an angst similar to the one teenagers go through.
When I’m asked to complete a task, I avoid.
When plans fall apart, I brood.
When nothing happens, I complain.
I’m an eight-year-old in an eighteen-year-old’s body.
Why?
I’ve come up with various reasons:
LOSS OF ROUTINE.
During college, I follow a rigid schedule.
The morning one involves meditation, reading, writing, and running.
The evening one involves sleeping.
The day I got back I went to a friend’s birthday party.
I got back at 4 AM.
Thus, at home I’ve done neither.
And consequently, I’ve devolved into, as eloquently put by my brother, a “piece of poo”.
To clarify, he hasn’t said that to my face, I just know he’s been repeating it in his head.
EXHAUSTION.
I ran a marathon last week.
It seems I’ve lost every ounce of willpower.
I can’t decide what to do.
I can’t figure out who to meet.
I don’t know how to function.
I’m simply vegetating, albeit animal style.
I’VE BEEN CURSED
This one isn’t possible.
It’s just a fantasy created by me in order to explain away this phenomenon.
You see I need explanations.
I need there to be a theme, something article-able, in this mess.
I need a reason for this stuff; I’m lost without it.
Obviously, none of these is the answer.
THEY ALL ARE.
I was looking forward to this break so much that I expected it to be the cure.
But the moment it began, it was a race against the clock.
Everyday was the search for something.
This something would be my validation key, my royal “good job buddy”.
Without it, I’d failed at making the most out of my week home.
But expectations never match reality.
In college, life revolves around me. At home, it orbits the family.
The car is only cool until you buy it.
The house is only big until you live in it.
These breaks are for break-ing out of the loop.
For taking a step back and looking at life from above.
To regain our position as the observer, to regain clarity.
Expect nothing, receive everything.
And give your family a big hug.
It is more than enough to just be.