my life right now

a reflection without beginning or end

I don't understand anything.
I don't know anything.
The more I know, the less I know.

And that's okay. I’m breathing just fine.

But there is a disconnect between what I value and think and talk about and what the people around me do. And that’s not to say I haven’t met others who are on a similar wavelength, but we are still fundamentally different creatures.

Though we inhabit a shared spatial locality, I occupy an alternate psychological dimension.

I live in a world that runs on a Y scale, rather than the socially accepted X.
And I can’t figure out how to translate between the X and the Y.
I'm trying to understand this psychological space, this echelon of energy, where I find myself today.

I don't know how much I care about doing any of the things that society values, but I'm also confused about what I should, or continue to, do instead.

What I find valuable is not what I've been conditioned to value.

It's experiencing the creative lifecycle.

And this is tough because creativity is so abstract and confusing and weird. So much of being creative is having faith that you will get somewhere, regardless of how far the end may seem.
Sometimes there may be no end at all.

And this brings us back to our classic midlife crisis.

I've been grappling with this for the last year, and every time I get close to a resolution (or pseudo one), my routines and context change in some way.
The closer I get, the more abruptly my new normal new-ens.

I don't wake up all that confused, but I go to sleep very perplexed.

I’ve often said that it’s not about finding meaning, because if that is all we search for, then we’ll never get a chance to be here, and discover the beauty of this moment.

That's enough meaning for a lifetime of wonder.

I don't know what I'm looking for.
I don't know if it matters if I find anything either.
But my search is not mirrored with the majority’.
Or at least, it doesn’t feel that way.
And that makes this road a lot bumpier to travel.

Today’s freedom is tomorrow’s jail.

Whether old or young, we're all equally confused.
That’s why AI can't take over. You can't perfect imperfection.

But there is no use in trying to change myself. I like apples, everyone else likes oranges. And that is okay.

One day of silence in Kelseyville broke me.
I've never felt this way in my life.

I don't know if I'll ever hit what people call rock bottom, but this was the closest I've gotten to understanding that feeling of hopelessness. Even though I know it’s over and I’m back in the comfort of my home, I feel a sense of panic, misery, and profound sorrow in the depths of me that seeks reprieve.

As I write these words I feel it now.

And the teacher, S. N. Goenka, made a great point in his nightly Dhamma talk: The happy individual cannot be merry purely at the eating of the food, they must be equally as delighted when waiting for the meal. And grateful they get one in the first place. The human condition is mired in misery. We’ve been taught to focus on what we lack and strive for it. We’ve grown up wanting more and never accepting what we have been given. And this rhetoric conditions the innate patterns of the human to follow a self-debilitating path. Despite the amount of repellent you may apply, you're picked off by all the bugs and beetles as you stroll through the bushes and bramble.

When I tried to explain to my dad why I should attend this retreat, there was a certain line that tore into me during our conversation. And that was “have you not seen what I've been able to do this year? Do you not recognize how far I've come?” Whether it's talented artists in their natural habitat, or a previously heavy, very insecure child, who's become a confident, bright, and grateful individual, the human never allots themselves the proper space and time to revel in their achievements. There is a mediation I distinctly remember where I suddenly hugged myself, and whispered, “I am so proud of you.”

And for the first time, I meant it.

I've always been someone who tries to take the time out to appreciate my friends. It's been really hard to do that for my family, mostly because of how intense and deep it is.

I am so lucky to have a family to go back to.
To care about, to have that much love at my disposal whenever I seek it.
A love and care that I've never given enough credit.

I was talking to a man who worked at the center and he told me his first Vipassana experience left him feeling jackhammers pelted into his back. When they say the first few days are hard, I didn't expect realize they meant dementors of my past, present, and future would plague me all at once.

I'm going to spend time this summer training this peaceful observance more, and trying to maintain that balanced equilibrium. And I’ve come so far already. Here’s a crude example. I would watch a lot of YouTube to escape the overwhelm associated with constantly trying to mine every minute of my time. And afterwards, I’d feel horrible. On one of these days, rather than go bezerk, I sat, noticed the feeling, and proclaimed “you are not going to spend the evening thinking about how you've wasted it.”

The past doesn't exist, it is only now that you can control. Life is too short to to swim in the sorrows of what could have been and what should.

Why fill now with rumination when you can fill it with jubilation?

Life is a collection of breaths.
And each breath is unique.
It can come in through the right nostril, left nostril, or both; you might be congested and breathe through your mouth instead.
Each breath is special, exciting, new, beautiful, and worth experiencing.
But some may be not be preferable.
To those I say recognize the transience of the breath.
Whether it’s a synonym or antonym, it will pass.
Let it go, judgement free, with an open heart.
This is, after all, all we can do.

This breath is all there is, and all there ever will be.

So breathe with me.

Breathe.