less in more
essays from liminal space
being
it’s exhausting to write
when i don’t want to
and even more difficult
when i do
life is filled
with an overwhelm of choice
and it’s a lot easier
to stay in my room
so i did that this week
retreating to my family home
spending more time living
than questioning why
and while doing so
engaged with the world
in a lighter way
without pressure
i met friends
old and awesome
i caught up with family
in a more relaxed way
this break was not planned
and as a result
there wasn’t enough time
to create expectations
thus i could live my life unbound
to the whims of my aching mind
and i could interface with my heart
free from moderation
i noticed tides and aversions
miracles in tiny moments
and a more intentional entertainer
who did less, and be-ed more
i felt deep melancholy and heartache
in short moments close to midnight
i felt tender compassion in the morning
and a sense that it was enough to be here
i watched the corners of my mouth
unfold into a sunny-side smile
broad, silly, and knowing
dancing in the daylight
i cavorted with my cousins
and conversed with my parents
i played golf with my brother
and was a kid again
i did all of this without many words
so as to allow myself to live
i did all of this without any expectations
there wasn’t enough time to form any
"i'll reclaim my story eventually"
i’d remind myself quietly
but for now i wanted feeling it
to be enough
i still do
-
freedom
a good friend recently told me
that she had stopped searching for more
and had, for the first time
sought after the opposite
she’s a fair bit older than i am
and can justify her present desires
with a colorful and successful past
i often wonder how
at twenty
i can explain
my longing for less
what have i done to earn my freedom?
-
zero shoes
my self-indulgent fantasy
is fulfilled daily
with food i never asked for
and friends who never asked for me
yet unbelievably pernicious
is the irony in my shoes
too heavy to step into
to tight to be shared
i inhale rainbows
and exhale binaries
i laugh a hollow laugh
and smile a shallow smile
i run in shoes without cushion
and chase problems in paradise
in hopes that solving them
will make me lighter
in one moment i’m self realized
in another, under the sea
i claim i’m a lucky creature
but i just want a girl to like me
so when it gets late on the coast
and my sneakers fill with sand
i leave behind my empty mind
and scour my heart for ideas
how much longer
can i run alone
before i fall off the bluff
and into the ocean?
how much longer
can i convince myself
i deserve all of this
without understanding why?
how much longer
will waking up be enough
if i keep falling asleep
standing up?
i’m not depressed
i’ve just got zero shoes
that you can borrow
-
here
it’s easier to need less
when i have more
than i could ever ask for
in your companionship
thank you for being here
-
more is coming soon :)