hey babes

it's been a bit

I’m going to start off with a couple excerpts from an email I wrote to a fellow human named Derek Sivers.

i discovered you after applying to college whilst reading tools of titans; i launched myself into your philosophies and ideologies and used them to help reason through things i was contemplating through my period of (and continued) stasis, waiting for the results of my essay-writing to come through.

Some of the things I was contemplating were as follows:

• What the heck do I do? 

Unsurprisingly, my decision fatigue carried on after figuring out where to finally apply to college (spoiler alert, it was everywhere).
I had so many ideas of what I could do, be it music production, drawing, piano playing, more running, enjoying, events with friends, Outdoors Club, and–oh wait, here we go:

The problem was I didn’t know what to do.
Get it?
What should go on that to-do list? What project pre-applications should I carry over to post-applications? What do I want to wrap up? What should I un-pause?

You see, my friend, applications did my projects dirty–and picking up where I left off is a constant figure-it-out of mine.

So that’s #1.

• I’m tired…

Okay this was less of a contemplation, but seriously, I. Was. Tired.

And I needed time off.

But I couldn’t get that time off (mentally) until every ittybittycollegerelatedthingwascompleted (ie. my photography portfolio, FAFSA updates, and scholarships).

the majority of my applications, my self-concept, and confidence are founded upon the basis that i am, as you asked me to prove to you, a real human being. it’s being one that recently i’ve found difficult to do on faceless, online mediums. it’s something i thought i’d gotten good at, but as i returned to the content-creation process (ie. my blog)… i found it hard to get back into a groove.

I was difficult.
I’m writing these couple words a few weeks after I wrote the above portion of this piece, and I’m still trying to get back into a groove.

I often jump from thing to thing, vice to vice. I leave things unfinished, contemplating the new and discarding the old so frequently it has become a part of me. 

I don’t like that.

So I’m trying to finish what I started this time.
But let’s be honest… THAT’S HARD! Especially with this senioritis thingamajigger — sometimes I feel like doing work, other times, I don’t.

Tim Ferriss says it best.

if humans are so non-verbal, aside from verbal mediums, what makes us truly unique on a piece of paper? the books i’ve read and blogs i’ve written all are an amalgamation of borrowed literary structures and modes–the blog i plan on writing today might just sound a little sivers-y.

so what am i trying to say, exactly? honestly, i’m not too sure.

I had a bit of an identity crisis as you can see.

Renouncing all aspects of creating things post-application season was a mistake. I lost track of my quirks, my voice, and even a bit of my confidence. The majority of my ego (self-concept) is wrapped in a blanked of love for myself, and not partaking in these activities that were so natural to me lost me that internal connection I so prided myself for having.

I’ve gotten closer to regaining it as of late, in fact, here’s a podcast I recorded just the other day…

Okay I’m going to end it here.
I wrote this piece over a few weeks and it contains many strings of thought.

My consistency restarts from here.