forensics

a farewell

as i begin to bid farewell… i am left ambivalent

how can i let an activity go
that started my journey from zero to hero?

is dropping a sixth-to-twelfth grade journey
one i have to pretend is real? only

it is real-er than the polish
i’d forgotten to put on my shoes before my vocals garnish

-ed a stage, where i spoke in front of thousands.
wondering how one could be lucky enough to perform for them, and

feeling so overwhelmed by feeling that for a tiny thirteen minutes
i was in a trance so powerful, so far from equanimous.

hoping i wouldn’t mess up,
convincing myself it was a small mess up.

as i begin to bid farewell… i am left grateful

of the ten to fifteen coaches
who’d taught me to take my cool card and burn it with torches

that couldn’t even begin to approximate
the power to imitate

the power that brought me to DUO and HI and OI and OO
that turned speaking into friend from foe.

it started off with a mobster’s accent
“tony tony”, a little vocal augment

that turned BU Dawar & Gupta to AN Gupta & Dawar.
maybe it was learning how to pretend light a cigar

that brought me from the tiny sixth
to the independent eighth.

as i begin to bid farewell… i am left thankful

that archbishop mitty high school rejected me
when i applied as a transfer as freshman-year-me.

i’m glad i didn’t pick it first
over the older, wiser, broke-er james logan. cursed

the choice had felt in the beginning,
but as time passed it began to feel more and more a blessing

for less opportunities created student-student bonding, an
inexplicable attraction to befriending my older teammates. an

inability to settle for the tiniest trophy
that became an ability to appreciate the tiniest trophy.

maybe constraint
does positively stimulate the brain.

as i begin to bid farewell… i am left saddened

at the thought of leaving Arjun Dawar, Mythri Sekar, 
Emilio Mennoti, Sahana Hegde, 
Isha Bhasin, Caleb Yonas, Anmol Bhide, Anakha Ganesh, Inaya Siddiqui, Aaryan Shah, and the hundreds more that i forgot on paper.

my juniors, peers,
and seniors,

whom forensics brought me closer to
with whom i traveled farther too.

competing, telling stories, taking charge of our own
your bold, unapologetic strife to make your feelings known

in regions and climates that label us pushovers.
you teach us to never

shut up–
close up.

you help us turn the uncomfortable
into the comfortable

and change the hearts and minds
of everyone who are lucky enough to hear your words.

eternal, unforgettable, sublime,
you are divine.

as i begin to bid farewell… i am left proud

of my attempts at coaching
my younger teammates. every time i tried helping–

even that time with my brother and his school friends.
even that time with my brother and his school friends.

when he told me the year i spent trying to change his mind about forensics
didn’t change his mind about forensics.

every smile, laugh, tear
that i helped others bear

and use to their advantage
to help them push forward rather than backward. to use their rage
as a vehicle for change.

for my team allowing me to represent
for letting me make my dent

in the team dynamic, to turn it from single to multiple.
while i’ll never feel like i did my job, i hope i’m remembered as consultable

as a helpful friend
not a scary president.

as i bid farewell… i am left better

better than i ever was
funnier than i ever was

and while that might sound debatable
i ask that you believe me this once. i am plenty able

to take crowds of thousands
and turn them from foe to friend.

i can do more than that too,
want to hear about it? nah dude,

i don’t need validation to feel
more confident than i’ve ever felt

i already do
and with the power of the nsda
by the grace of j. scott wunn

i break this rhyme scheme
and turn it into my own one

your voice is limitless
use it for good,

use it to give,
to hella give,

because you’re powerful-er than you think.
we all are.

farewell forensics

and thank you
thank you for facilitating the creation

of me.

not of ariv gupta
but of Ariv Gupta.