feels

ajeeb

I think that’s the only way to describe it.

I just finished up the first week of in-person-school as a Senior.

Take a second to take that in.

In. Person. School.

That is wild.

As much as I was excited and not excited, it felt extremely like the Indian word for strange…

Ajeeb.

It feels like the only way to describe it.

School was ajeeb not in a good nor bad way.

It was simply ajeeb.

Gen Z translation…

“It was whack.”

So what the heck do I mean by that.

What I mean is, these past few days have been a whirlwind of seeing people I haven’t seen in a year-and-a-half and seeing the most amount of kids I ever have ever and being in front of my teachers and picking up an actual backpack (I feel weak now) and using fricking paper.

And I get it. This is how life was pre-pandy (my new name for the pandemic)

But I mean dayum, that’s a lot to take in.

And it’s a lot to adjust to.

So let me spell out exactly how I feel.

I’m a human, taking a gap year and whilst applying to college, I’m passing the time by hanging out at school, trying to find and entertain experiences that I never got to have. Ones that, at this point, are going to be a whole lot different than they were ever meant to.

I came up with this definition after having 20+ conversations in the past three days, and I think it’s the perfect way to describe my mental situation.

I feel like I’ve graduated.

Mentally I feel way too old for this thing called school and I don’t understand what the heck I’m doing in it.

Rules? Device Management? The Student Handbook?

What the heck are those?

The independence and maturity level I nurtured over the pandy was yuge (as you know who once said), and I feel out of place in this environment.

I feel like a visitor, someone who’s just at school to have the experience they missed out on in high school.

But it feels chill, almost too chill, and really foreign.

I mean I feel like a Freshman again, and being a “Senior,” you’d think I’d have some kool kid konfidence going on and everything.

But you know what, there is none.

I’ve seen many of my teachers, some pre-pandy, some in-pandy, and all of the post-pandy ones, and the funny thing about them is that they feel more like friends than teachers.

And that’s cool and all, it’s just not normal.

It all just feel foreign.

But I get it, that’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’s a period of adjustment, and I’m supposed to feel weird and slowly figure it out and cut myself some slack and not expect too much from myself and take things slow and lodjnaskjndakjdnuhiuhasiuahdiausdhakjsdnc- you get the deal.

And instead of being a contrarian on this one, as I usually never am, I’m gonna give it a shot.

If I’ve learnt anything from the summer, it’s that I get a lot of advice, but most of the time, I don’t really follow it.

So let’s give a shot at following it.

This year I’m taking 4 classes, have 2 free periods outside of general student ones, plan on lifting weights in one and learning in the second, aim to keep running every day, and don’t expect my senior year to be “s, t, r, e, s, s, f, u, l, l,”
by any means.

I wanna make senior year where I have the most time to be happy, the most time to continue connecting with myself and the people around me, and the most time to be balanced.

As you can see I honestly can’t completely describe the feeling school is giving me.

The feeling of powerlessness when boredom takes over in a class and I can’t multitask because I’m literally in front of the teacher, the oddness that comes with just having no idea what to do when school ends, and just everything is something that begs for further exploration rather than finding a final destination.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been mentally.

I’m the chillest I’ve ever been spiritually.

And I’m the fittest I’ve ever been physically.

I made myself a life during the pandy.

The challenge now, is maintaining it.

And it’s one I am very excited to take on.

So it looks like I’m gonna have to bike to school.

And run to school.

And walk too.

That’s the only way to explore anyways, right?

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and, if you will, it looks like I’ve just made it further in this mental process… click here if you’re el curioso :)